Internal vs. External Validation

As children, we learn right from wrong through our primary caregivers. When we bring home an A, and it goes on the fridge, we learn that doing well in school gets us recognition, praise, and attention.

Alternatively, when we miss the mark, break a rule, or act out- we are often sent messages that lead to shame, embarrassment, or feelings of worthlessness.

Sometimes the quest for external validation leads us to encounter the beast of perfectionism, other times it may lead us to sacrificing who we are or what we want in order to be seen as “good” or “worthy” in the eyes of another.

External validation feels 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥, but it doesn’t last long. Soon we find ourselves needing 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦.⠀

But, what if I told you there was a never ending river of validation you could collect from? A river that would never dry, and existed to hydrate 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶? But that in order to get there you would have to journey inwards? And that you might even have to battle the self-worth dragon to take your first sip…

Would you go?

Shifting towards internal validation isn’t easy. It requires us to challenge our paradigms and belief systems. Systems with roots that reach down into the dark soil of our upbringing. Systems that feel SO REAL. But, our beliefs are not as concrete as we think them to be. They are moveable and we are powerful.

While saying this, I will admit that I have and will likely always grapple with certain stubborn beliefs. Sometimes, daily. And, I too, know how sweet external validation feels. But I also know, that the victory of sipping from the well of internal validation feels deeply gratifying and wildly freeing.

But, how?

The reality is, it’s a process. It’s true journey work. But there are a few little things I’ve found that have helped me on the path.

△ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘁𝗮𝗹𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝘁𝗮𝗹𝗸 𝘁𝗼 𝗮 𝘀𝗺𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱. A child who is unsure, upset, or afraid. How can you be tender, loving, and gentle? How can you tell this child everything will be okay? That they are lovable, deserving, and good enough. (side note: I know this can feel tough, too. Especially when you move from talking to a child to talking to yourself. If it feels tough- try inserting the word “may” be ___. Progress here, not perfection)

△ 𝗔𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝗳 𝗲𝗮𝗰𝗵 𝗱𝗮𝘆, 𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗳𝘆 𝟯 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂’𝗿𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗱 𝗼𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗱𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴. Wether it was getting out of bed or taking a deep breath instead of losing your temper- or even if it was mildly losing your temper instead of severely losing your temper. We have to begin to see ourselves in a positive light to make the shift, and noticing our strengths is a great way to start to get there.

△ 𝗦𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗮𝗿𝗴𝘂𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗶𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗿 𝗰𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗰. That little voice that makes you feel not good enough or unworthy. Start to challenge it. Ask it, “Says who?” Tell it, “You’re wrong.” (Or “might” be wrong). The more you we start to individuate ourselves away from our inner critics, the more we start to hear our own voices.

You are never alone on this journey.